The Misunderstood Movement

When I was contemplating on what my first post would be about, it was like I had opened all the sluice gates of the mind at the same time. All the gates had the same gushing pressure. When I finally had some time to calm my thoughts and analyse one topic at a time, I found one that has always been close to my heart ever since childhood. This subject has been talked about so extensively, mostly in the right context, but many a time totally out of context. I can say that somewhere along it lost its way and was completely misunderstood. It only reduced to a trendy sound bite rather than a genuine systemic movement. This post is dedicated to my tryst with Feminism.

I was born a female and I have always been proud to live in this skin. I came into this world in Goa (India) at a time when most were happy at the birth of a daughter, but would surely be happier if she was born after a son.  They say my mother felt that way, but the way she, together with my father, raised me does not allow me to believe that. In fact, at times I truly believe that my brother would have enough to complain about his growing up years. My parents raised me just as they would raise a boy. As a child, I climbed trees, went swimming, enjoyed playing games like cricket and soccer with all the boys' teams, fought with the boys with bare hands to protect myself and/or whatever it is that I was protecting, argued with them advocating my beliefs, riding bicycles through the mountains, and so much more. All this without even a simple warning to be careful or to act girl-like. They never stopped me from displaying the traits that many girls were discouraged from exhibiting. They let me cut my hair really short, not wear bindi or bangles (as girls in India were expected to) and always encouraged me to question traditions, even those that they deeply believed in. They answered my queries most of the times, but when they couldn't they made sure that I was lead in the direction where I could find my answers. However, they never discouraged me from playing in my toy kitchen cooking for my pretend family, playing with baby dolls or even occasionally dressing myself girl-like either. I believe that gender of a child is determined at birth but these males and females are socialised in being masculine and feminine. It is important to note here that my parents raised my brother the same way. This taught me my first lesson in Feminism. 

One MUST have the freedom to choose whatever Life they want for themselves, irrespective of their gender, without being ridiculed or being judged. One could literally take the road less travelled.

In my growing-up years, I remember so many people, a majority of them women, who commented on my physical appearance. I was not too happy that my parents thought it was best to ignore them. When I questioned, my mother would reply " Meenakshi, they want us to be affected by what they say. Whatever they say speaks a lot about their own upbringing. They will not change their ways just because we tell them to." Instead, she would say that there were better ways to show them that we can go above and beyond all those prejudices and stereotypes. Although I think her explanation helped me stay positive, I truly believe that we should raise our voice against such small minds and tell them to get over their prejudices or at least keep them locked within themselves. 

I apparently did not fall in their spectrum of good looking girls; with fair unblemished skin, long well-groomed hair, dressed to impress with a sweet shy smile and an amazing act of submissiveness. I was more boy-like and they were apparently only concerned about my prospects of fishing a good boy into marriage. Later in Life, many marriages and break ups that I witnessed proved that they were right about that ;) But, why put marriage as a top priority and also a bottom line for the way girls are raised? Strangely, it wasn't enough to be just pretty. Many families groomed their pretty girls for marriage right from childhood. I empathise with those girls who had to choose even their profession based on how it would help them find balance in their post-marriage life. I have heard that there is even a course that prepares girls for being 'lady-like' at everything they do; that even includes how to stir your coffee, 'lady-like' :) It doesn't stop at the early marriage of girls. They are expected to bear a child soon (with or without their consent), a child of the right gender at that. If not, their womb is to be doubted, tested, accused; something one has to just settle for reluctantly or worse, something that needs to be settled with repulsively. Surprisingly, it rarely has anything to do with their sons and their glorified masculinity. One would think that the boys were spared!! Of course not. I have seen how parents told their sons " Hey come on! don't cry for such a small thing. Boys don't cry." or worse " Oh please don't start crying like a girl again", "Why would you wear Pink, so girlish" "why do you want to buy a doll, choose a car or gun instead". What do colour, toys and crying have to do with gender? I always wondered. Isn't crying a way of venting out either when we are emotionally stirred or when we suffer pain. If we think of the strength for bearing pain, girls are genetically better equipped for handling pain and emotionally we have always been considered to be stronger than men. With that in mind, shouldn't the boys be expected and allowed to cry more than the girls?? :) 

I know my mother felt bad about all those comments she heard about her own child, it was most natural. My father was sufficiently shielded from all this, again, only because he was a man. But, instead of being sad and trying to change me to make the society happy, my mother opened a small door for me. A small door that led me into the vast world of knowledge, Books. In no time Books became my best friends. Books made it kind of easy for me to sound smart. ;) 

When someone said I had a long neck, I would educate them about Cleopatra and the Egyptian fascination for ladies with long necks, when someone mocked about my frog-like eyes, I would laugh and tell them that I thank my creator for stopping at my eyes because it must be tough for those who live with a frog-like mind. When they sincerely advised me on my protruding teeth, I would tell them how cosmetic treatments are, many a time, at the cost of one's health. They would call me too tall (mostly for boys) and I would tell them that there are fewer women as we go higher and I would like to be amongst those. They would never get the intended pun. This, I thought, was an astute response to make myself more comfortable being around them without disliking them. They eventually stopped commenting on me,  or at least on my face. This stereotyping wasn't just seen amongst people around me, it was everywhere. Movies, Advertisements, TV programs and everything else only propagated gender stereotypes. Even the fairy tales that I read had female protagonists waiting forever for their Prince charming to come and rescue them or they were the ugly devils. One reason why I preferred Alice to any of the princesses and fell in love with the beast who wasn't ashamed to be saved by Belle, was that these stories let the female characters have the power to lead the tale without bestriding the males. 

So, I worked on grooming my mind instead of my body to get noticed, appreciated and made 'whatever is worth doing, is worth doing well' my motto.  Over the years, I have definitely proved many of the prejudices wrong just by making the choices that I lived by. Today,  I don't hold any grudge against those who ridiculed my physical attributes, but I surely dig deep into their upbringing and know what not to do with my kids. This taught me my second lesson of Feminism. There will be others (women and men alike) who will want to pull you down with the stereotypes and there is no point in fighting them or proving them wrong. They indulge in this because they did not get a chance to look beyond the prejudices they were raised with. Instead set an example to those who can look up to you to break those stereotypes; trust me, there is always someone looking up to you, try not to put them down. 

When it came to my career, my mother did have her apprehensions, but my father never did. When I decided to go to Delhi for my post-grad in Landscape Architecture, he unfalteringly stood by me when everyone around him warned him that Delhi wasn't the best place for girls or that it was better not to over-educate girls. I am so grateful to my parents for sending me away then. Those were undoubtedly the most precious two years of my Life. I wouldn't trade them for anything in this world. It was Life changing in more ways than one. I made friends for Life and experienced a Life that just groomed me into a confident woman. Actually, I would say a courageous woman rather than confident. Confidence followed much later. I will tell you about those fantastic years another day. I want to state here that my parents paid completely for my tuition, stay, travel throughout my education, whereas my brother had to finish his post-grad on a student loan :) My parent's trust was my armour for those two years in Delhi. This might sound very normal to others, but I was the first girl from my family to go so far away from home for studies and that meant a lot of responsibility. If I screwed up (figuratively and literally), all my younger female cousins and female friends back in my hometown would face the consequences. I would've been a good 'bad example' to be quoted in arguments for a long time till some other courageous girl took over :) Thankfully I came back home with a feathery cap. This taught me my third lesson in Feminism. 

Any girl can achieve anything that she dreams of; in any field that she aspires for, with dignity and pride when given the fair opportunity to flourish, without being submissive to the trends often followed in the professional Life. 

When I started my professional career in Bangalore, thankfully I did not face any gender inequality at work as many other women face even today. I experienced a different kind of Feminism in the world that spun around me. I will give just a few examples here.....

I looked up to so many global women achievers. One of them is Sudha Murthy (Infosys Foundation Fame). She and her life were luminous and inspiring to me. And then one day the 'feminist' brigade came down on her for taking a back seat on her career so that her husband's career could flourish. Then authors like Chetan Bhagat talked about how and why having a working woman was way better than having a Housewife. He objectified housewives as machines for house chores without any power to think and converse intelligently, financially incompetent and completely ignorant of the outside world. Sudha Murthy, for me, is a true feminist as is evident in most of her writings. She chose to take a back seat only because she knew Mr Murthy would be willing to do the same for her. She made that choice for her kids without any male force or family expectations. Having one parent at home, according to me, does a phenomenal difference to kids in their younger years. That in no way means it should be the mother who should stay at home. Nor we as feminists have the right to judge a woman who chooses to stay at home. It might be a well-analysed decision between husband and wife. 

When we were considering moving to California for a great opportunity in my husband's career, my husband asked me to think it through as that would mean a long break in my career. I did introspect and finally took the decision that I wanted or even needed this break to get away from the constant running of 12 years and spend time in doing all that I truly missed doing....being with my son, reading, writing, cooking, travelling and more. I remember someone (a woman) asking me, " What kind of example does a hard working career-minded feminist woman like you set for other girls by eventually being just a housewife? If this is what you had to do, why spend all those years studying and working and advocating feminism?" I smiled and answered her, " It is only because I chose to study and work hard all those years and had the opportunity to do all that I aspired to do, that I do not feel guilty or bad in choosing this Life today. I know I can and will choose to get back to whatever it is that I want to do but this is what I truly want to do right now. I believe that we do not have forever and for now, I love where I am and enjoy what I do. I also know that my husband would be overjoyed to be a stay at home Dad and let me explore my career".

If an intellectual woman (not referring to myself here ;) ) or man decides to stay at home and be a houseparent and find pleasure in doing it, what gives us the right to judge that he/she is not a feminist?  If that freedom to make your own choice in Life and stand by it through its consequences is not feminism, then I wonder what is? 

A male friend came to meet me once and kept accusing the whole female community of being fools. I always knew him as a calm, composed and collected being who treated his women friends as equals and with respect. And so, instead of getting angry at him, I chose to dig in more to understand this accusation in its entirety. When I poked him for his reasons he obliged. He got married a couple of years ago and started his married life in Bangalore. His wife is an amazing cook and enjoyed cooking and knew that this man hated cooking even before they got in this relationship. He did many other chores around and outside the house instead. When his wife got sick or was bored cooking, he would toss up something simple or they would eat out, as most couples do. Along came his wife's friend who poked her unsolicited 'feministic' nose in their personal matters without even knowing or meeting this man in person. She made the wife believe that her husband makes her cook while he keeps all the easy chores for himself. This 'feminist' actually asked her to make him cook, keep scores of the chores and notice how he gets all chauvinistic. His wife fell for this and actually obliged by following this friend's advice. She would just come home and make excuses for not cooking or going out, eventually driving her husband to cook. He would make something reluctantly with the obvious culinary results. When such days occurred more often, he suggested that they hire a cook, so both of them did not have to bother. She rejected that idea saying, " Oh!! all this time, when I was cooking, you didn't think of a cook, now when you have to cook, things change huh!!" Things got bitter and very uncomfortable. Now in this example, I wish the wife was more mature to understand that cooking was just not his cup of tea, not because he is a man or thought females are born with cooking genes but just because he hates doing it and cannot pretend otherwise. This was not different from the fact that he drove every time they went out together or filed her taxes for her, not because she was an incapable female or because she was bad at these things, but these are just a few of those things that one cannot get themselves to love or even enjoy doing. He finally spoke to his wife about it, made her see and analyse the situation as a third person and eventually, things did get better sooner than later and now they are happy with their set of responsibilities towards their own household, two kids and of course towards each other. 

I experienced so many such examples where all men and women were judged on Feminism radar without really knowing or understanding their personalities and circumstances. The dynamism of internalising the Feminist attitude and making it a way of Life is so much more important for this movement than merely using it as a constant reason for playing the victim card and making baseless accusations.

I saw these 'Feminists' fight for the sexual rights of women. They argued that the girls had the same right on their virginity as the boys did and rightly so. I wonder how it would work otherwise?? ;) But, these were the same women I saw questioning and having reservations about the bride's virginity when the groom was their own brother, a cousin, a good friend or their own ex- love interest. 

Some 'Feminists' I met were all gender equality preachers but they never seemed to think even once before looking down upon my male friends whom I drove around; "Oh my God, how come he doesn't feel embarrassed to ask you to pick him up, so unmanly?" or times when they were allowed to go dutch on the restaurant bill on their dates; "Where did the chivalry vanish from this world?".  Chivalry and Feminism, according to me, can be mutually exclusive. One doesn't have to be rude and say no to a man holding a door open for you just because you are a feminist. As a woman, I would hold a door open for anyone walking behind me, irrespective of their gender. When we ask someone out on a date, we should be okay paying even the entire bill at a restaurant. Doesn't that mean it was your pleasure spending that time with your loved one? Why not, I would wonder!

I have also experienced many many instances where 'feminists' fight and protest against 'perceived inequality' at workplaces. When they don't get a job or an anticipated promotion or a particular opportunity, the first reason we hear is, "Obviously they did it because I am a woman. You know how these men are right?". I do not deny that in a majority of the workplaces this is an underlying prejudice that always works against women's career aspirations but to clench on that aspect and convince yourself of that as the prime reason every time you miss the crown is so unwomanly. In fact, I would go further and say it is misandry. As a woman, I would never allow anyone to convince me with that reason to accept any situation, even if it was true. That is Feminism to me. 

I can go on and on and on about this. But by now I hope to have made my point clear. When I went through this phase of pseudo-feminism, for the first time, I was in doubt if I was a feminist after all. I actually stopped calling myself a 'Feminist' because I was expected to adhere to a certain code of conduct and I was looked down upon when I refused. I chose to be left out of their female chauvinistic conversations than be a reluctant part of it.

Feminism, as I see it, was a movement started to gain the rights that women were denied for eons. Those times must've been really hard and I cringe even to think of the times when women were treated as a commodity and men as their protector. This was justified in the era when one needed to be physically strong in order to survive and since men were genetically stronger, they worked out of the house and women did all the rest staying back at home. They cooked, took care of home and their kids and socially they spent time beautifying themselves and everything around them, singing and dancing. As I see it, that was their only form of entertainment and must've made them feel good about themselves. We have come a long way since then and we owe today's leveled play-field to the courage of the few women who pioneered on this path. 

Even today when I observe women around me, I see that some of the 'feminists' have forgotten the main objective of the movement and are taking it way too far on a different path. This is what we could call Pseudo-Feminism or Radical Feminism or Female chauvinism. That is the reason people often confuse feminism for being a male-hating club or a movement that was started just to put men down. Today, I choose to quietly contribute to the movement by raising my son and daughter to internalise this movement; to make gender equality the only way they lead their lives. I would go further and add that the main challenge for me lies ahead when I will have my own daughter-in-law and son-in-law. As often seen happening with the applauded 'feminists' in real life, I should not let my feministic values get skewed with ifs and buts, when it comes to my in-laws. Both genders matter equally, period.