This moment, is Inevitable!

Life's own longing

Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

At least some of you might have read these wise lines by Lebanese-American poet, painter & philosopher, Khalil Gibran. The first time I happened to read them, I was not a parent and I definitely wasn't wise. Having two kids and getting older with aging parents surely grants some wisdom and only now I can understand the true meaning of those lines. I chose to write about a sensitive (and very likely a controversial) topic today because of a discussion that I had a few months back on our family group. The discussion revealed many valid pain points and an in-depth understanding of each point drew my attention to the first principles of our relationships with ourselves, each other, and most importantly with our children. The lines in the above poem are profound and I request every parent to understand them before forming their prejudices and expectations around their children. Let's dive deeper into this, together.

A child is born, not just because two individuals decide to impregnate, but because there is something more that is going on that we haven't really chosen for ourselves. We are not given that choice because our species, like every other species, has an innate longing to survive and thrive. Our perceptions are literally skewed or limited to facilitate just that. Cognitive Psychologist and author, Donald Hoffman, says

Ever since Homo sapiens has walked the earth, natural selection has favored perception that hides the truth and guides us toward useful action, shaping our senses to keep us alive and reproducing

I am convinced about this theory and in my opinion that is what Khalil Gibran calls 'life's longing for itself ' in his poem above. Those of you interested, please read more on this subject before agreeing with me here. For now, I would urge you to keep this at the back of your mind as you read on.

Have you ever asked yourself how do so many couples go through with unplanned pregnancies and deliver babies? Is it their choice or do they merely convince themselves about it being so, always in retrospect? Many others experience depression and even separation because they do not bear a child even when they want to or decide to. Why is it that their strong will does not play any role there? Some unlucky children are born and abandoned. Do they make a choice there or are they victims of their parent's choices? Some of those kids are lucky to get adopted into kind families who provide them with a promising life with parental love that their biological parents would never have been able to. Who plans all this? Who is willingly making choices in all this? 

My first child was due on November 2nd (per scientific speculation), but he arrived 5 days earlier. Neither of us willingly chose his birth date and time. My second child was due on September 16th, but she was clearly lazy. The doctor then decided to induce labor. She checked if we wanted to choose a specific day? My Obgyn said to us with pride "Who said you cannot choose your child's birthdate, huh?' Well, we did choose the date, but my daughter did not arrive on the chosen date, but apparently chose to arrive even more lazily and literally adding to my pain, a day later. This shows that we technically have no free will that plays a role in birthing a human, let alone decide its birthdate, gender, sexual orientation, and the child's life course. The universe is deterministic, and the behavior of every entity in this universe is determined by the fixed laws of nature. Everything from the motion of atoms and the planets to human behavior. Hence, it is pretty clear to me that the universe conspires into bringing a child to Life. Since there is no free will involved, I know that the statement "Children are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself" is true, for both scientific and logical reasons. We are just the mediums who bring these lives into this world, however, the chosen mediums, in the exact same way that nature chooses to create an avalanche on one mountain and not the other one standing next to it. Chosen by nature(life) as per science, by God as per religion, by the all-encompassing consciousness per spirituality. 

I might be sounding crazy to say that there is nothing like free will or choice. The non-existence of free will has been a topic of discussion for centuries between numerous philosophers, neuroscientists, psychologists, and self-realized beings. The debate over this goes on even today and no! We will not chew over it in this post. In this post, we are only going to inspect how we think of our parents and our children and why we need to change some of our beliefs and prejudices for our own peace and sanity. It would help to remember the theory of 'illusion of free will ' though, as my perspective will start to make sense only then. The situations that I explain here are purely in context with the Indian scenario that I have experienced and witnessed first hand. These are mainly middle-class families where one does not have to worry about the basic needs of shelter, food, clothing, and healthcare. You might or might not be able to relate to this at all and are welcome to share your views & opinions amiably.

l have always noticed many around me being judgemental about adult children of aged parents not returning back home to care for them in their old age. There is considerable stigma and induced guilt in the minds of those who have migrated to another city or country in pursuit of their career and life. Again these people do not choose to be judgemental, but they are conditioned into thinking this way deep down in their sub-conscience. If I was living their lives, exactly in their shoes, I too wouldn't have much choice in thinking otherwise. 

Let us first understand the roots from where these thoughts descent upon us. In the Indian culture, like many other Eastern cultures, for centuries, the elderly were cared for by their young. India enjoyed the culture of joint families for many hundred years. There were at least three generations that lived under one roof at any given time. The system was fantastic and a win-win on all fronts. Marriages happened at an early age followed by children. That means the children born had relatively very young grandparents. These younger grandparents provided trusted care for the grandchildren, while the parents, in their peak youthful years, focused on earning bread and butter for the family. Later the parents of these grandchildren (approaching adulthood), were the primary caregivers for the aging grandparents in the comfort of their homes. This ensured two things. The knowledge, family traditions, and wisdom were naturally passed on from grandparents to grandchildren and the grandparents got the much-needed respect and love through the care provided by parents (their adult children). This was a beautiful setup that I deeply respect. This was smooth and comfortable because children at the time almost always studied and sought out opportunities within the town or city where the family lived. It was a very rare occurrence that the adult child moved out of town in pursuit of better opportunities. 

As the boundaries of towns blurred, transport improved and opportunities knocked at the family door. Few of the many (6 to 12+) children started to move out of their small towns to pursue better opportunities in the cities. The responsibility of the aging grandparents was then on the shoulders of the few who stayed back or didn't find the opportunities to move. Even in my parents' generation, the grandparents had more than 5 children, so even if a few moved out, the probability of having at least one child at home to provide care for the parents was very high. Needless to say, the child who cared for the parent was a son and mostly, but not necessarily, the eldest one. The daughters were meant to get married and assist their own husbands in taking care of their elderly parents. 

As the years passed and there was more awareness about population explosion and the importance of birth control, the number of children born to a couple ranged between 1 to 3. People still wished and longed to have a son in those few numbers because it is the son who was considered a caregiver for the aging parents. Poor, uneducated families saw an increase in female foeticide, as the birth of a daughter meant parents had to work harder to raise money for their daughters' dowry and it did not assure them care and income in their old age. This was the most troubling time and in some parts of rural uneducated India, it still is. 

Today, largely the situation is different. Sons and daughters are equal when it comes to rights and duties. Dowry is illegal and both genders get to enjoy the equal right to inheritance. At the same time, global boundaries have almost dissolved. It is easy to study and work abroad. Most parents encourage their kids to pursue careers abroad for a better experience, global exposure, and sometimes for lucrative reasons. Parents are proud and boast to no end of their child's achievements. But then there are some, who truly desire the same children to drop the life they have built abroad and come back home to take care of them in their old age, just as they did to their parents and have grown up seeing others around them. They think it is the right and noble thing to do. If the parents don't feel that way, there are many relatives, friends, and even neighbors who make sure these thoughts are constantly advocated for, especially when it involves the only child or son. Some 'righteous' children accept the situation and move back willingly and some quite reluctantly. I am not even talking about the desires and opportunities that daughters-in-law and grandchildren have to let go of in such situations. Most of the time, they are not in agreement with the return move. Hence, even if they move, there is some amount of bitterness that can create rifts and hurts. The moment 'us vs them' thought creeps in, there is bound to be judgment and mental stress that can lead to lasting damages and lasting prejudices, especially in the minds of the next generation. Ofcourse I do not deny that there are exceptions to all this.

Those who move back to care for their parents are applauded and praised whereas those who do not return are judged as ungrateful, selfish, and proud. In my opinion, it is not always just about caring for the parents when they are in need, but it is also about giving them joy and comfort of companionship in the later years of their life. It is a fair expectation, but is it a fair judgment when that expectation is not fulfilled? And even when this expectation is met, is the joy and mutual respect guaranteed? Will the judgments and comparisons still be part of life then? The answer is yes. Whichever side one chooses, there are judgments, comparisons, The judgment happens mainly for the sons. Daughters who take care of their parents are praised ofcourse but are neither expected to do so nor judged if they don't. Why? Because their duty apparently lies with their in-law's family first. You would think children living with their parents are always praised. No, it is quite evident that the son who chooses to pursue local employment opportunities or business is often taken for granted. It is as though he did not have the choice to move away. The son who drops everything and comes back to take care of the parents is the only one worthy of praise. But why?, I ask. If taking care of parents is part of the son's inbuilt duty, then why praise? Some of you might say that he is praised because he chooses the noble way, even when it is not his duty. 

My mind then wonders about parents who are blessed with only daughter/s or who aren't 'blessed' with any children? Or parents who lose their adult children? or even those who care for their child with special needs even as they themselves age? What thought process and expectations do they have for their old age. All of them didn't choose to be in their situation, then who is supposed to care for them. This question of mine is often answered with, 'that is their karma or fate. It must be their past life that has made them go through this situation in this life. However, I find that reasoning completely absurd. Those who believe in karma and, in past life repercussions in this life are the first to pass snap judgments about adult children who do not (cannot) come back to take care of aged parents. Why cant the karma principle be applied to everyone then? Wouldn't that make us accept our 'deterministic' fate? or better still prepare for it in advance? I would go a step further and say that even that is not our choice to make. When something resonates with us truly, we genuinely operate from a place where we naturally belong. We will not have to make a choice only out of responsibility then. And if we are not the ones making that choice, then why are we being praised for returning to the nest to take care of our parents. 

Did I just upset some of you by saying that? I have thought over this as a daughter and a mother. As a daughter, I would love to go and live with my parents, and I would do it happily for my own selfish reasons. Taking care of them in their old age, cooking for them, taking them for a drive, giving them the joy of watching their grandkids grow would bring me immense peace and satisfaction. I want to do it not because they expect me to or because I think it is my responsibility. I would do it for the sheer joy that it would bring me. However, I am here, abroad, for reasons that are best known to me and my family. How fair is it for anyone to judge me for not going back and taking care of my parents without being fully aware of those reasons? Even if one acknowledged that there could be reasons that they are not aware of, that itself is enough to make them empathetic and maybe even compassionate. Anyone judging or not judging me is not the point here (I am wiser than that), but if you are even able to agree with me on that, then you would at least hesitate before judging anyone because you actually have not lived their life. 

When I think of these situations as a mother, I do not expect my children to take care of me in my old age. They would be more than welcome to come and stay with us, it would surely make us happy, but that is absolutely not what I expect of them. I have taught them to do what brings them true joy and staying with me might not just cut it. One expects back from their children only when they think they have done a lot for the children. I do not expect because I haven't done anything for them. Whatever I am doing today as a parent, is again not because it is my responsibility or because I am expected to do it. I do it because it brings me immense joy. Again I would take a step further and say that I am not making these choices, but just experiencing what life brings, joyfully. I quit my job 2 years back. My job brought me credibility and independence. Something struck one day and I decided to quit. In retrospect, I can say that I took this decision, but trust me the pro and cons were equal on both sides. After taking that decision and living through it, I consider myself lucky and even privileged to quit my job. I get to witness these few short years with my children. That is valuable to me and I am trying to make the most of it. That's it. 

I personally know of many exceptional children who live with and take care of their parents because they really want to. They would not have it any other way. They do not do it because they feel the responsibility or because they feel they are in some kind of emotional debt. They do it out of sheer love & respect for their parents. There is no gender bias here. A daughter takes care of her parents with as much devotion as a son would. The same goes for sons-in-law and daughters-in-law. They share and care the same devotion towards their in-laws, as much as their spouse. They don't even feel they are doing something that needs to be praised, because they are doing what they want to do. It helps them at different levels of being. It truly brings them joy. 

Whatever your state of being right now, wherever you are on this globe, and whichever life you live, please realize that it will bring you true joy only if you accept it fully exactly as it is, without being judgemental about yourself.

Don’t hope that events will turn out the way you want, welcome events in whichever way they happen: this is the path to peace. 

said stoic philosopher Epictetus. Do things because you truly want to do them; because you will not have it any other way. If you do anything as a means to an end, or because there is no other choice, or because you do not want to be judged by the world, then it will only lead to hurt, pain, and constant stress within you. 

Last year, 2020, was worse on many levels, but one profound thing that it taught me was that life does not go as we plan, ever. We only have an illusion of control over it and that there is no free will in day-to-day reality. Our ego makes us believe that we choose the situation, that we make the choices. We apply the same to others as well, but they do not make their choices either. Apply this to your life and you will start seeing your parents, your children, and everyone around you with nothing, but compassion and equanimity. As we close, I would like you to read the whole poem by Khalil Gibran and dwell on this poignant parenting advice.

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable

Thank You for your time.