Let it go, Let it go!!

"Let it go, Let it go...can't hold it back anymore" :) 

This song from Frozen has a deep meaning for me and you will soon know why. Perfectionist, supermom, multitasker, extremely organized; these are some of the adjectives that always made me feel good about myself and my way of life until I felt suffocated trying to keep up to the praise. I had to strive and let go of my 'perfect' way of life to make some compassionate space for the 'imperfect' me.

My obsession with my compulsions and the eternal craving for order and neatness in my Life was a little short of turning into a disorder. My close friend, who always lends an earnest ear to the monkey inside my mind, makes me aware that I almost always dig up inconsequential stuff to get stressed over. She assures me that my life can be totally peaceful and fun only if I let go of this quest for perceived perfection. However, it is an ongoing internal struggle that I deal with every day since the realization that it needs serious amends in order to be at peace with my own self :) I won't call it the dreaded OCD as that is an extreme anxiety disorder and I doubt that I suffered from it. So let's call it NFS (Neat Freak syndrome) for my own sanity. Monica Geller of F.R.I.E.N.D.S had a special place in my heart for the obvious reasons and hence I could not resist adding her related quotes in here. 

I must've been about 13 years old (a lot seems to have happened to me at 13 ;) ) when I finally had my own room and study table. I was ecstatic and everyone reasoned it for having a quiet study space of my own. For me, it was the freedom that came with it. I could now keep only the things I needed and arrange them in a way I always wanted and no one could mess things around my space, at least not without my notice. I remember, once I just had two hours to study for an important exam. I was well aware that these two hours were critical and required full focus from me. Just as I started, I could not resist noticing that the order of the books on the shelf was amiss, I had to fix that; then there was way too much dust that needed a clean up; the dustbin seemed to need a refresh; now that everything was clean, I took a few extra minutes to put all my crayons and pencil colors perfectly in coordination with the color marks on their boxes.....and finally, the reality struck me; I was left with just 20mins of study time. Procrastination wasn't the reason for this 100-minute loss as many of you might think but it was my inner anxiety for perfection that had caused it. I could've dived straight into studies if (and only if) things were in place that day. This is my earliest memory of  NFS.

NFS in me is definitely not a genetic inheritance as I hardly see it in my parents. Let's consider this: their idea of folding clothes is more of a convenience or ease of storing them in the closet or a travel bag. However, folding clothes for me is a ritual in itself. Folds have to be crisp along the seams without any crumples and creases within. They have to be sorted by size, type and if time permits by color as well. Labels/tags have to be treated as your ultimate guide for this ritual. You would think that by now I must be content with my evolved ways of folding. Hell no! I can't help looking for better ways. A few months back I was frantically searching youtube for the right way to fold a fitted sheet, and to my eternal joy, I discovered that I have always been doing it wrong :). Whoever feels happy when their ways are proven wrong?? I do! because it almost feels like a step towards Nirvana. I fold piles and piles of clothes every week. The process leaves me exhausted because most of the time I indulge in it by skimping on my night sleep :( My husband and many around me have tried to finish this task of folding before I can get to it, only to see me unfold the folded clothes and do it my way, the 'RIGHT' way. Seeing the double work and the anxiety it causes me, they have given up reluctantly.

My architectural profession only added to my quest for control over the order in any space that I would find myself in. When I was at the library and noticed a book out of its serial order, I made sure I put that particular book in its right place but the anxiety caused by the thought of many more books being out of their place left me uncomfortable; at stores, I would get frustrated seeing apparel sizes mixed up or items for sale displayed in the wrong section; I could not ignore a tilted painting on the wall or an out of place display piece even when I visited someone for the first time. This habit must've been a constant source of irritation for my friends but over time they got used to it and were extremely empathetic, I must say.

The kitchen has always been my lab, very clean and well organized. If you blindfold me and send me into my kitchen in complete darkness, I will be totally comfortable cooking up a meal, without causing any accidents. I have my own ways in the kitchen. Cutting the vegetables is a lesson in geometry and surgery. Dicing a tomato is different from dicing an onion, each dish requires a different size and shape of vegetables and often a different knife to achieve that, one cannot cut all the vegetables at once, you cut as you go in order; the kitchen directives are extensive and exhausting (even for me). Cleaning the kitchen is one chore no one has even attempted to take up. It is extremely confusing for anyone to remember which scrub/brush/mop does what (there are many of different sizes and textures) but to me, that is so obvious and easy. Vinegar rarely ends up in the dishes I cook but is my go-to cleaning agent for everything from fruits to stovetop. I remember going to a Hibachi grill restaurant and struggling to keep myself from asking our chef about how they clean the griddle before the next guest is seated:) I did not ask. Nevertheless, I did google it when I got home. Browsing on Pinterest and Youtube for cleanliness and organization hacks can keep me occupied for hours. What stresses me most about my cleaning habits is my disability to go to bed leaving the kitchen and dining unclean and soiled dishes in my sink. I cannot wake up to a dirty kitchen, period. I have strived to ignore it and go to bed many a time only to wake up after 30 minutes of sleep to do dishes or finish cleaning :( 

There are many other areas where NFS makes me happy. For example, making space in the travel bag, fridge, car trunk and dishwasher is my superpower. I can create space that others cannot even understand how. Almost like I have a space making magic-wand. Another bliss is decluttering. It is never a chore me, in fact, it is my favorite pass time (as long as I have it). I enjoy it just how children enjoy sweet treats. Imagine how happy my household is to have me. I sure hope that it is not the only reason though :) That also means I end up doing all the packing, putting away leftovers, reorganizing all closets and more. From early on, I have the habit of keeping things back in their designated place right after I am done using them. So I could never understand how closets and drawers and bookshelves and shoe racks ever get out of order and need organizing every so often. This habit alone has saved me a lot of time that one makes to tidy up the mess and also that one takes digging things out of that mess when there is a frantic need. This would seem like a good habit and most of the times it is but when you start living with two messy kids, it becomes a Himalayan task to expect them to follow it. It is also impossible to do it all by myself over and over every time it reaches my mess threshold (which used to be very low then) and that inevitably triggers the ingress of stress.    

When my first child, T1, was born, I got into this limitless phase of do-it-all. I would insist on doing everything that my son needed whenever I was around and carried along the guilt when I wasn't. I would feed him, change him, bathe him, do his laundry, iron his laundry, put him to bed, clean the toy trails around the house every time he naps, provide all-night care and everything else that you can possibly think of. The first three years were quite stressful with my full time job. I hardly had any time left for my husband or even for myself. Once I had my second child, T2, in the US, things changed. It was extremely tough to keep up to my ways and I, for once, could not do-it-all. I used to get paranoid and anxious over smallest of things but could not do much about it. Tiny Legos strewed around the carpet floor/bed, all the paper art attempts treated as extremely important documents and piled on the desks, playing four board games at a time only to fight and mix up all the pieces/cards,endless collection of leaves, rocks, shells, feathers, twigs and God knows what all hidden away like treasures in the most annoying places are just a few of the umpteen examples that drove me to my wits' end. 

My NFS was slowly stressing my kids out, especially T1, and I knew that it was taking the fun out of the activity we were or they were doing. One night 5 minutes after I tucked tired T1 in bed, he called out to me and asked me to close the closet door that wasn't shut tight. Another day he got up 10 minutes after going to bed to pick a tiny piece of paper and put it in the bin and go back to sleep. These episodes bothered me a little. Later that week he refused to use watercolors because his clumsiness might stain the carpet. That was the moment where I stumbled upon a massive realization. My expectation for neatness and order was starting to take the pleasure that kids derived from their experiments and explorations and I, for sure, did not want that. 

I was reading a lot about food then and that's when I came across the term 'Mindful eating'. The concept of mindful eating just blew my mind (although it was introduced to us in our childhood) and I thought it makes so much sense to apply that mindfulness to everything. Thich Nhat Hanh, Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield are some of the mindfulness masters I read and heard. I used to be so proud of being a multi-tasker supermom that I had never realized what it did to me. My mind was always occupied with the things I had to plan for and do in the next ten minutes, hours and days ahead and that always left me stressed in the present moment. It took me tremendous efforts and meditation to get into the habit of doing one thing at a time. I started meditating for at least 20 minutes a day. These 20 minutes kept me sane through the next 23 hours 40 mins. When my kids mess up their room, instead of getting irritated, now I stop and just focus on my breath and become aware of not just the mess but everything within and around me. This allows me to see how happy my kids are playing in that mess and how that makes me feel. That feeling of joy makes it easy for me to let go of the inner urge of cleaning up the room immediately. When I realize at 11pm that there is an overwhelming pile of fresh laundry waiting to be folded , I calm myself down with a deep breath and question my neat freak mind as to what could possibly be the worst consequence if I let go the urge of folding it right away. The answer obviously is not strong enough to ruin my blissful sleep. And the next morning I wake up to the rising sun and it still rises in the east :) This step of pausing, observing my breath and arriving in presence makes me aware of what is most important in that moment. This may seem easy to many of you but it is extremely difficult for neat freaks like me.

I also maintain a planner that saves me a lot of mind space but also allows me to do just one chore at a time on a priority basis. This neither lets me think of too many things at a time nor allows me to think too far. I have learned to laugh at things that bother me because that way I can distance myself and see how small they really seem in the big scheme of things. That makes letting go easier. Most importantly, when I let go of the inconsequential things that play on mind, I find stress free time for my kids, husband and more importantly for myself.

So for those who have a 'Neat Freak' around you, I would say that you should definitely be grateful as it is because they do so much more that you get a well sorted, clean and pleasant place to be in :) Understand that they are much more stressed than the stress you feel around them. All you need to do is get them to stop in between their anxious moments and take deep breaths. Assure them that no one would judge them if they don't do what they are doing. Insist on rightfully taking up chores even if they don't seem to like it and insist on doing it your way, trust me, that irritates us but helps in the long run. They may seem evil trying to get back at you in spite of your efforts but do realize that it is only them who are vulnerable. Imagine having a seriously crippling voice in your head, demanding absolute excellence and delivering harsh punishment if that standard isn't reached. 

For those of you who suffer from NFS (a few of my own friends), my advice would be just this - It does not matter how much we get done in a day but it does matter that we make time to enjoy doing what matters the most. Our sleep is more important than folding the laundry, our exercise is more important than deep cleaning the kitchen daily, spending quality time with our visiting family or friends is more important than doing the dishes right after the meal, enjoying the bedtime story with kids is far more rewarding than organizing their desks and toy cabinet every night, clearing our own head is more fulfilling than trying to change others. It is okay if the closet is messy, please don't let it mess with your head. Living mindfully is the single most important thing that I have learned in this lifetime. I am not a master of mindfulness, in fact, my journey has just begun and I do have days that are spent mindlessly in pursuit of perceived perfection. That only leaves me feeling miserable at the end of the day. I get a lot more done and way better (not perfect) when I do things mindfully than trying to do-it-all.

I am writing this blog peacefully in spite of a soiled tea cup by my side and a bag full of clean laundry that needs to be folded and books that kids have forgotten to put back, the dishwasher that needs to be emptied and my bed still undone. This is possible because I also see that it is a beautiful sunny day, my daughter is still sleeping and I have all the silence that I need to pen down my thoughts as I feel them. Five years younger 'Me' could never have done this, surely not without the overwhelming anxiety and restlessness :) I read this profound quote by Seneca "We suffer more often in imagination than in reality" and I believe that it sums up my life with NFS. I have indeed come a long way and I owe it to all my loved ones who never give up on me in spite of my NFS and of course my own continued efforts to make the most necessary amends in order to 'Live in the moment', perfectly at peace with the 'imperfections' within and around :) 

"It's funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

Can't get to me at all

It's time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

No right, no wrong, no rules for me,

I'm free!"